09/08/2022
**Transparency and my triggering truths**
Depression... it's such a touchy and vulnerable subject to get into.
But for damn sure these last few years have been an uphill battle for me.
I've been on both ends of the "I can't fight any more, i dont want to wake up" to the "Get back up you can do this."
I am 85% of the time a functional depressed.
I can have a hard cry session. Whip my tears and go into a photo session with a smile ready to help others fight theirs. Bust ass at work. It'll like a week out of the month, I can't function. I sleep, isolate, and completely remove myself from conversations, and people. It takes every ounce of my engery to get up and even keep posting for advertisement. Then that next week im back at it. So inconsistent. And I realize my patterns.
A years back before I started photography. Right before i started with Vintage Deluxe. I became bitter, negative hated everything that was happy. I hated when people told me "everything would be ok" I refused to listen to anyone who told me I had alot to be happy about and would cringe when people told me to get back up. Because in my head I made myself believe I couldnt. That I belong in misery.
I refused to take an accountability for anything.
If it wasn't for family, Vintage Deluxe and my photography journey. I wouldn't have seen the possibility and path if getting better. Also helping others to find it. That is honestly when my path to healing began. ( 5 years of healing)
I use to agrue, that depression is curable and it can go way completely. Reality, until you have it full force you know that is not completely true. It seems to sneak back when you least expect it. But what I've learned is, it all depends on how you handle it. The bounce back. The understanding that i will have bad days even when im healing or even after tremendous healing.
Just event after event. Heartache after heartache. Death after death. It seemed like it was a hit after hit. I still climb refused to not give up, and keep climbing there. But with a better perspective of life.
My personal opinion and what I learned with therapy.
The first step is recognizing that you are depressed. That anger, that resentment, the sadness. It's all coming from somewhere.
I stayed in denial for so long till I finally admit to it to myself.
Second step is wanting and reaching out for help. Rather its, family and friends who geniuely care or through therapy. (Dont be ashamed of it. Dont be ashamed of temporary medication either. And keep searching till you find the ones that work for you * not therapistand meds if needed.) You need to start seeing clearer before you can start the process of healing.
third step is taking accountability. If there's no accountability, "I will always be a victim." Victim mentality is the quickest way to fall down the dark hole of depression. We all have it in us, it's lost in there but I promise, we have every choice and the strength to climb out of the dark corner, with the help of accountability. Its understanding alot of events are a reflection of ourselves or taking accountability of letting others affect our emotions. I, honestly have full control of how I let things affect me. (Serveral ways of taking accountability.)Sometimes go we back to that state of mind. Face it, life isnt easy. It all matters on how I carry through it. Even if it feels like I couldn't. I most definitely can. Some people never climb out of that corner and it breaks my heart.
Forth step is open up. Let it all out.
Don't lie to yourself about what has happened to you to bring you to this point. Dig it all up. Don't lie about your mistakes if that's hurting yourself through bad choice or others. This step is probably the hardest. Most people dont want to or refuse to tap into this stage. Its a hard pill to swallow. God it's the hardest, but I am so glad I did. You can't heal until you go through the emotions of all the harmful events that took place to start to heal the wounds. That childhood trauma. The more recent trauma Face it, the trauma you caused others, face it.
Start to Forgive yourself as you forgive others.
The trauma and these wounds will not go away or stop repeating itself until you do the work to heal it.
That is where I am at. I'm in the cleansing, the forgiving, I'm stepping in to the being compassionate towards others and myself. Im at the letting go. Letting go of resentment and understanding both sides of the story with compassion. Even if it sounds impossible. I let myself understand why things happened the way it did. I will apologize for things I've done and talk it out. Im at the "what I can't change I must accept and what I can change. I must change." I am at the realization of my depression hurts the ones who are the closest to me as it does myself.
It's not always about me, me, me. My happiness will be continuous to everyone one around me. I going back to that person, where people feel the good just being around me.
I know this causes triggers to people who aren't ready to heal. I know it may anger the ones who deny to take accountability or ready to accept the truths. It's ok and I understand. I was there too. But know I am writing this with love and hopes my steps will help others.
There is a light after all the darkness. You must focus and fight to heal. It's possible. There is nothing you can't climb over even if you think your world is falling apart. We are build to recover and adapt. We are all on this either for a purpose. The journey is to find it.
❤️❤️ this is me being completely transparent. Yes vulnerable. Because i believe it to my core im here to help others. Especially with my work. I just had to do the steps myself. This is my goal, and always has been my goal. Its not just a boost of outter confidence. That just leads to being cocky and self centered. It's the boost of your whole existence and healing. Any client of mine that has opened up to me, knows I will stay for hours talking with them and give them my truth. ❤️ I felt like I lost myself for alittle bit. Like, I didn't have energy left in me to help others. But my last sessions reminded me why I start my photography journey to begin with. So thank you beauties..
"We all face darkness, to be able to find the light" - Me
This isn't for "likes" or views. This is for awareness..
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