12/23/2025
Flipping the Switch, When the Choice to be in the moment is Difficult:
I’m writing this, wearing my heart on my sleeve in hopes that not only for the sake of my processing something new, but hopefully helping someone out there with a broken heart as well.
Part 1: The Trained Response.
In the military, when a mission was unveiled to you after waiting for orders, a certain response that has become second nature takes over. I call it “flipping the switch.” Whether it’s to leave family, leave something of meaning either tangible or intangible, or turn off the pain of death in order to fully commit to the task at hand for the sake of successful mission completion or safety of your counterparts.
We aren’t trained for any other options when it’s time to go home. Subsequently, when a friend, family member, or comrade died, I couldn’t process it, so, I turned off the light switch to my heart. The insidious thing is, after a few years, the practice becomes necessary. And then, one wonders why the feeling of numbness is predominant, then guilt when someone close passes, then some sort of self medication method to “feel something.” “I’m so numb, am I a callosed monster?”
Part 2: When Being Momentous can hurt like Hell, but Necessary:
My sweet mother passed away in May. Today, three days before Christmas was my third time to visit her at the National Cemetery. Christmas wreathes had been laid with great care amongst the graves. A practice which has always been hauntingly beautiful to me. Seeing her stone hit me hard today. A blindsided attack of grief mixed with the emotions of brothers and sisters who lay just up the hill. It took everything I had to stand. I went back to my car in tears. I then darted off, slammed the door, started to buckle my seat belt, and drive away. But before the belt clicked. I stopped, frozen, looked at the wreaths, and the words that popped out of my mouth was, “Don’t flip the switch! Don’t do it! Let it be what it is!” Being in the moment today I knew was necessary. Yes, it was agonizing. Yet, today was day one of learning how to grieve for the first time. I’m glad it was on hallowed ground amongst brothers and sisters, but more importantly, I was with my Father in the car. We shared the pain, love, and bond of service in that place and moment.
So not my typical photo journalistic approach for a book entry or idea, but something I pray someone can use this Christmas season. I pray healing for you wherever you are. May the season bring blessings dear ones.
Special thank to Wreaths Across America Chattanooga for making today a bit more bearable in a beautiful way.