02/25/2020
Because... In Heaven...
I've been thinking about what I was going to create for this day for a while now. Many of you supported my pieces when I went through my first miscarriage. And I can't express how amazing that was... because that was literally one of the hardest moments of my life.
Last year, August 15th.. on my daughter's birthday... I officially found out we lost our baby Alexander...
It was like reliving the exact moment I had four years prior. My mom again was there for support (Tomas had to grieve alone as he was at training at the time). But here I was... having to confirm with an ultrasound, alone.
As soon as I saw our son... i knew... just by the way he was positioned. Flipped upside down... away from where he was in the original ultrasound. She didn't even have to tell me their was not a heartbeat... I knew.
When she told me the measurements... i about lost it.
He had died two days after we received our "healthy ultrasound". Two...days.
Just like before... my body plays these stupid games. I had to go through another MMC. Finding out that we had lost baby four weeks prior... but having to find out at the twelve week appointment.
I took the weekend to decide what to do. Go the natural route again or a D&C. This time I went the D&C route.
I will forever be grateful for that decision. There was so much love and support from the staff this time around. They helped bring closure to Tomas and I by finding out Alex's gender, a lady came and prayed with me, I made the decision to have him cremated and be placed with other babies that were loss in early pregnancy. He wasn't discarded like nothing... he was loved those very last moments.
At the follow up visit... we thought everything was going to go okay.
But it seemed to get worse.
We found out that this pregnancy had been a Partial Molar Pregnancy. This meant Alex had 69 chromosomes ... XXY... even if he continued to grow.... he would have never survived.
On top of this we found out that the D&C wasn't the end... because this was a partial molar pregnancy I now had to do blood work. Blood work minimal was six months (or up to a year if the tests weren't negative). Partial molar's (though a small chance) could cause cancer... and this cancer could spread anywhere in your body. Yet it was treatable if that was the case.
When we were told this... I just felt pi**ed off at the world. I just wanted to heal from this and here I was going in weekly for blood work. A reminder that... yup... its not officially done just yet.
I finally got to the point where when the weekly tests were fine... I said f**k it. Im not doing this monthly... It didn't make sense to me that I was told the percentage was slim for cancer. It did not make sense to me to continue these tests. I just wanted to get past it. To heal. And hope that I made the right choice.
As the months went on... that is where I started to feel the pain the most. Going through every holiday knowing I should have been pregnant... or thinking... this is how far along I would be.
When February came I started to think... gosh... he would have came early... he would be here right now... I would have this new baby boy... I should be holding him right now.
I've searched for EVERY reason why... why did this baby have to go this time. Aurora was my reason last time... but what was this purpose. Why did he leave us?
The only people who understand this thought are the ones who've lost... and the ones who don't will not understand truly...
He was just so real. He was so real to my daughters... real to Tomas... real to me. If you ask Aurora where her brother is... she will tell you... "he died and went to heaven".
When a child leaves... a piece of you leaves with them. And he has truly impacted us all.
Which leads to my piece tonight....
Because... I will never get that chance to hold him. I will never hear his first cries. See his beautiful face... watch his sisters give him endless hugs... never have the opportunity to cherish a family photo together. On earth... there is only the what if's...
But in heaven... we will finally have that moment.
