15/08/2016
Yes to every word of this. Body security is super important in our family. No means no - under every circumstance.
We have very few rules in our family. This is one: When it comes to a person's bodily autonomy and personal boundaries, stop means stop, no means no, yes means yes, (and other non-verbal communications count) and not stopping when it has been communicated that they want you to stop (even if they are laughing when they say no or stop- often an involuntary response to tickling or even just being nervous) or even if they just haven't said yes means you may get kicked in the head. Protecting one's bodily autonomy is a right, using physical force if necessary.
There are other guidelines and agreements in our family but this one is a hard and fast rule. And it applies to everyone, you can exercise your right to use physical force to protect your bodily autonomy just as much as someone can use it against you.
This isn't the only way we teach and value consent and bodily autonomy but it is an important and sometimes controversial way. And sometimes it means one of our kids comes to us hurt because they didn't respect the boundaries a sibling laid out, didn't stop when told to stop, and their sibling exercised their right to defend themselves physically. Ouch, we'll tell them, next time stop.
It became a rule when we learned about the s*xual abuse our two eldest children experienced at the hands of a family friend. When we tried to understand why they didn't fight back physically our then 5yo explained that she didn't want to get in trouble for hitting him. We decided then that our children would learn that they have the right to use physical force to protect their bodily autonomy and personal boundaries. Just one of the many changes we applied following the abuse.
It hasn't always been respected by others, particularly other parents. We help enforce it though but it has caused conflict between our family and others at times.
Several years ago we had a particularly tense run-in with a family friend over this issue. We had previously witnessed the dad in the family tickling and rough housing with his children long after they expressed a desire for the play to stop. It was uncomfortable for us and we mentioned it with no effect. One time at dinner together the dad was tickling his then 4 year old daughter to the point of tears. As she began to cry that she was going to p*e and the dad laughed and refused to stop instead teasing her that she better not p*e her pants (as he continued to tickle her), Jeremy intervened firmly telling the father to stop being cruel and to let the girl go. We rarely intrude on family dynamics but our daughters were watching horrified and it was agonizing for us all to see this girl's autonomy compromised. She ran crying from the room and the dad and Jeremy proceeded to have a tense argument about the situation.
This greatly strained our relationship and we began to feel uncomfortable being around them.
Not long after that, at another event where our families were together, this time in our home, the kids were playing a sort of game of chase and capture outside. One of our daughters, 11 at the time, was captured by two boys from this family, around the same age (slightly older and slightly younger). They pinned her to the wall of the house and began tickling her. She told them to stop, screamed for help (we heard and went running), warned them that if they didn't stop tickling her she would defend herself, and before we got there, proceeded to wrestle a foot free (one was holding her legs, the other had her arms pinned above her head) kicking in the face the kid holding her legs and kneed in the crotch the kid holding her hands above her head (who was also quite a bit bigger than her). Both boys were hurt. All three kids confirmed the story. The father was incredulous that we weren't upset with our daughter for hurting his sons. Instead we stood by her and backed her and told the boys that next time if they don't want to get kicked in the face or crotch, stop when somebody says stop about their body.
Quite frankly, I'm still really proud of our daughter. She knew and exercised her right to consent, even if it meant defending herself against people she considered her friends. (Edited to add: it is worth pointing out that this daughter is one of the s*xual assault survivors. It has been particularly important that she embrace her personal agency and power in a situation like this as part of her healing. She has found it very empowering to know she can fight back.)
We encourage our children to clearly express themselves ("Stop, I don't like what you are doing, stop now"), try to get away, get loud (scream, yell, whatever), call for help, and then use physical force. Sometimes it's going to happen quickly, sometimes it will unfold slower. Sometimes they will feel they can wait for help to get there, sometimes they're not going to feel they can wait. Sometimes they may go from step one straight to the last step. However it unfolds, we have their back. "You were touching her body? Yes, and did you have permission to be touching her body? Not exactly. Ok. And she said stop? Yes, but you didn't stop? No. Then that kick in the crotch made you stop when you didn't make yourself stop. Should have stopped when she said stop, should have asked permission before even starting. Hope you remember that for next time, one can only take so many kicks to the crotch." That the victim was laughing (again, an involuntary reaction to tickling or nervousness) is not an excuse to ignore their pleas for you to stop.
It led to an argument between us and the father. He said our rule was problematic because it would allow our children to claim somebody wasn't stopping when they told them to just to have an excuse to physically attack them. We didn't agree and explained the importance of consent. He felt we were blowing things out of proportion, that tickling someone has nothing to do with consent.
You all should have seen my face.
I vehemently disagreed.
In the end, Jeremy told him it didn't matter if he agreed with our rule or not, this is what we are teaching our children and if it is a problem then our children no longer have to spend time with theirs. Ultimately we decided that the relationship with that family could only continue within a certain framework and with boundaries firmly in place.
All persons regardless of s*x, identity, and age deserve respect. Teaching consent and respect of bodily autonomy begins young no matter their s*x.
Love this "comic" from Fowl Language Comics, couldn't agree more!
~Jessica
