09/02/2023
starting back to school in September feels a lot like this
*disassociates at your desk with unkept hair*
there’s so much to plan, to think about, to prepare for and regardless of all the planning, you’ll forget something.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m trying to plan for every possible scenario -
starting our toddler at a new daycare, daddy doing regular drop off for the first time, better budgeting, grocery planning, a fluctuating work schedule, new students starting in my class at daycare, and on and on and on, making lists and writing notes to myself within those areas…
that I end up so overwhelmed and become even more consumed with regular everyday things being extra orderly. I feel my lack of control over the tasks I assign to myself as “priority” over sleep, over eating, over quiet time, over disconnecting and resting.
Reflecting, I think my ocd becomes worse in times of change, (change is such a high stressor), because I have this need to complete every small thing super speedy fast IMMEDIATELY to prevent it from being a tipping point while my mental load is at maximum capacity. The same goes for saying this thing, and including all these thoughts as I share the stuff NOW, it can’t wait for another time because I won’t remember, and I know it’s not important but it all feels so prevalent and important to mention in the moment. It’s exhausting.
Deep clean and put this thing in its place, over sharing my stream of consciousness constantly - to keep a tight ship so my physical space is *at least* orderly. My mental state is less so. And I thank you for reading and being my friend. You know who you are, receiving end friends of my anxious words.
