06/30/2023
This post is mostly for me and my clients this year, and whoever is finding their identity shift when becoming a parent.
Today my baby turns one.
I want to say where has the time gone because I was so certain I’d remember every tearful cry and every belly laugh I would have with her but it’s all a bit of a haze now. A mish mash of images in my head of a distant memory that keep evolving over time. It also feels like there was no life before her. She has taken up every corner of my brain and every inch of my heart. I’ve truly never been more exhausted but I’ve also truly have never been happier. I understand why there’s poetry about the love a mother has for her children, I have never known a greater love. I understand the struggle of trying to figure out how to be everything for your child but to remember you are your own as well. Social media pushes the narrative that independence is key to a successful parent. I politely disagree. I have fully leaned into my identity as a mom, I am a mom before I am anything else. Thing is identities are not static, they shift with time and circumstance. This chapter of my life is short, one day my baby will no longer be a baby, she will be her own and my memories of this time will be a haze once again. I will maybe remember bits here and there when I glance at her and my heart will maybe ache missing the days of when I used to be her lifeline, but I will love her journey of finding herself as well. Just like I had to do so with my mother.
I chose to not focus on posting on socials, to not make this year about my career because frankly, I don’t want to. I understand the privilege attached to that statement, believe me. I have struggled with the guilt of it, and struggled with the shame of not wanting to be anything else but a mother to my daughter. It’s all quite silly really, why did it all feel so final when nothing is?
To all my clients this year, I understand the credibility and assurance you feel when you see your photographer active on instagram. That is why I thought I’d post some of my thoughts. I chose to be present while I continue to work hard.
Happiest of birthdays to my sweet daughter, Laila ❤️