25/05/2026
《Fish Chasing Light》
Red was not skin, not blood. It was the brightness left behind closed lids, a light with no escape.
I set the print on the desk. A naked woman was there, yet woman no longer named her. Breast, belly, shoulder had sunk into red; the body was heat remembering form.
At the shoot she lay silent on white cloth, her left fingers twisting its edge. I knew my gaze had made them move. Once she looked at me, almost speaking. I pretended not to see. In the finder, distance failed; her skin entered me. Each shutter left metal in my throat.
The headache returned: a wire behind the right eye. In darkness, white lines crossed like waterlight, near and unreachable.
Before dawn I took up the old ruling pen, made for exact contours. Exactness was now an insult, the eye’s alibi. With a tool for measuring the world, I opened what could not be measured.
The black nib shook. It missed the outline and cut the red, wounding a place neither flesh nor shadow. The line did not lie on the photograph; it rose from within. I drew more. They adorned nothing, explained nothing. They broke the image’s frail order.
I remembered a childhood market: silver fish in a tub. Whenever the bare bulb trembled on the water, one spent its last strength turning toward it. Not food, but light. That convulsion toward the unreachable was its proof of life.
I had pretended to forget that fish. I had not.
With each white line, it moved in the red, hungry for what vanished at touch. Black ink shone white. No—the red had torn, and darkness looked like light.
I drew to erase the fact of seeing. Every line deepened it. The pen would never reach her; not reaching, it wounded more deeply.
By morning, white paths crossed the red and arrived nowhere. From within it, her gaze returned.
The work was not beautiful. Perhaps truth begins where beauty fails: not harmony, but rupture; not meaning, but heat before meaning. Even that was an excuse.
In the red, the slender fish turned.
Was it the fish chasing light, or I? I had seen only a living thing spending itself toward what it could not touch.
ryo_ta saitoh