21/01/2024
☆ ramona flowers inspired outfit ☆
—— [ i was supposed to cosplay ramona for the next convention i'm going to, but change of plans, i suppose. ]
i started dyeing my hair in 2019. started with red ombre tips with my long, straight hair. after that, it became a habit to dye my hair. i dyed my hair fully in color back in 2020, just when the pandemic started.
it started with a haircut out of whim. i've always wanted to cut my hair, but my mom was against it. she was fine with the hair colors, but she loved my hair long and i can't help but just abide. . . 'til i cut it all off back in july, 2020. it started with that one cut, and i felt liberated—free, if you will. i know it sounds small and stupid, but to me, it was just the start of being able to breathe freely—granted, it wasn't always easy grasping for air out of suffocation, but i worked my way towards that throughout the years.
after that cut, i started dyeing my hair fully. it started with a split dye of red and purple. ever since then, i never went back to my natural hair color—black.
i never let my natural hair color grow longer than it should; i get the roots bleached and dye it again. it was a process of using different products, bleaching and dyeing my own hair, asking my cousins and friends to help me dye my hair, switching to a healthier non-permanent hair dye (cellowax, it's like a dyeing conditioner) because my hair was running dry (and it became healthier over the years once i did the switch and i did less bleaching). i loved the feeling of my hair expressing what i wanted—and no one was in control of it but me. it came along with dressing what i wanted, light body modifications and even cutting my hair shorter than this. (tangent; it was one of my compulsivity to cut my hair super short when i was really stressed out which i stopped the habit of doing so, at least.)
it became an icon for me over the years, as my friends theirselves associated me a lot with me changing my hair constantly. i've been called chameleon hair by my best friend who'd been with me before all of this too. it's just a part of me that i loved so much, and the people i love loved it about me too.
i've often been called different characters depending on what hair color i was in (can you believe that i've completed the whole rainbow palette? me neither. well, i did.) but one that i was constantly getting from then 'til now was ramona flowers. i love the scott pilgrim franchise, and i'm planning on starting the comics soon. a lot of my friends have been cosplaying around recently and i kinda wanna start on that interest too, and my jumpstart was ramona, because her iconic colored hair was my iconic colored hair—so i said, "why not?". the plan is still pinned with everything that's been happening, and i've been often busy fixing up my shortcomings on everything, but it's on the list when i get the free time and i'm waiting for the next cosplay convention—'til i got my final warning at my university.
i've been getting away with their security, rules and regulations with excuses. i'm stubborn, i admit. one day, they informed my guardian that i would be blacklisted if i don't conform to their rules—so here i am, bidding my goodbye to what started my confidence build-up, my self esteem, and one of my earliest steps on starting to really get to know myself. it'd be long before i get to color my hair again—probably after i graduate, and when i outgrow my non-black-dyed/natural hair for me to be able to bleach it again.
don't get me wrong, i've been thinking about getting my hair dyed black for quite some time, one thought per every few months, let's say. that warning gave me the push to decide "sure, let's give it a try."
i didn't know what to feel about it—i was excited, scared, grieving; i saw it as a "welcome back, my old friend" type of deal. a lot of people expressed their unsolicited opinions over the years that they preferred my hair black and long as it used to be, when i was a suppressed, rule-following, good girl with straight As and the golden child and over achiever, if you will, who looks innocent and would let everyone walk all over her like the doormat that she is—and i don't want anyone to think that i'm back to that again, that i've come to my senses and want to fit in their mold again—i still don't. i'm still in control of my own person. no one can and should take that away from me.
before dyeing my hair black, i said to myself i need to take one last picture with my dyed hair before i go black again (after four years. my friends who didn't catch my black hair era can't even imagine what i'd look like in black hair; hell, even i myself can't imagine myself in black hair anymore.) and in what way could i ever do it?
ah!
dress up inspired by ramona flowers.
when i realized i can't cosplay her anymore (even if you'd suggest wigs, the main reason why i wanted to cosplay her in the first place is because we both had dyed hair) i was disheartened that i might not get that off my bucket list this year.
my boyfriend suggested "what if you cosplay her tonight? before you dye your hair tomorrow?"
"i don't really have the exact copy of her clothes."
"then whip up something that screams ramona—her style and aesthetic, something really close."
so i did, and here are the photos for it.
it kinda hurts when i got my hair dyed black, finally. i know i can dye it again after graduating, but i'd have to wait again. i just know i welcomed back something i wanted to let go for a long time, and i let go of something that made me a better person for myself.
i try to look at it with silver-lining—maybe i can give my "black haired version" of myself a chance to be confident, be theirselves, and learn how to love theirselves like how my "dyed hair version" learned to do throughout the years. maybe i can accept her and treat her the way she deserved to be treated those years.
maybe.
here's to hoping.
