02/05/2024
Full disclaimer before you read, I'm in a moment, and it's been a day, but I've never been less than vulnerable here, and today doesn't feel like the day to change that. Count this as a diary entry. You can skip to the last paragraph if you need to.
For the past week, I've felt like, and even mentioned, that I feel like the people closest to me are handling me with kid gloves regarding the upcoming change in my path. I even asked a friend... am I missing something? 'Am I about to fall apart and don't realize it?' Closing up shop. Starting a new career. It's a lot, but I was getting that energy like everyone thought I was on the brink of a meltdown, and I very much didn't feel that way. There's a lot to do, but I'm doing a great job with boundaries and have a handle on it all. It's exciting and scary, but I've felt good. (You can probably see where this is going.)
So, today was my last real day of shooting. My last day of welcoming people I love at the door, sharing laughs with them, making memories and then wishing them well on the way out. It's fine. I was fine. My first client (a forever favorite) brought a thoughtful (and unnecessary, but totally sweet) gift. I set it aside because it felt like a terrible idea for me in that moment and moved on. My last client of the day, ironically, was my first client of the day's sister... which felt right... because you all have always felt like family to me. At some point in the session she said, 'are we your LAST session? Like, last last? We don't have to talk about it.' Again, I felt fine. This is good. It's fine.
When they left, I came upstairs and said to J, 'I'm done done!' And he said, 'You're all done?' and he smiled, and then said, 'are you ok?' And I lost it. I cried. And I cried. And I kept kinda crying sporadically all night. I'm crying now. It's so bizarre. I love this business. I love the craft. I love the people. I love exactly what I've always said I love about this. I love walking around with pretty people, in pretty places, on pretty evenings making beautiful memories. More than that though, I've poured my soul into it. I've given in ways I can't explain, and I don't mean it negatively at all. I just mean that I have CARED so much, and put so much thought and heart and love into this business, that the idea of it being gone feels like a massive loss.
So, tonight I came upstairs and popped my memory card into my computer, and decided to check on what was the very last frame as my last day as a photographer.
Bless this photo and forgive me for spilling tea. I love this kid. LOVE her. She is gorgeous and funny and talented and determined and has some big feelings sometimes. I get her though. I kinda get how she works, and we've had some moments of glory where we find a fun work around and turn it all into a game. She's willing to be a challenge... but is always a fun one. This photo came moments after an epic big feelings moment. Sweet girl felt like she had missed her chance to show me her splits. We all know I wasn't letting the opportunity pass... and I'm so very glad we stopped to take this amazing photo. Feels like the perfect victory shot to go out on.
I seriously love you guys. I'm so grateful for what you provided for me and my family. I'm grateful for the time we spent, the trust you had in me, and the memories we made. You made a girl's dreams come true.
