04/29/2026
a lil different than my usual content 🤍
i love Jesus, so much. when i say i love Jesus so much, what i’m really saying is that i am nothing apart from Him. apart from Him i am broken. grief and hopelessness consume me. anxiety, depression loom over me and steal my days. apart from Him i spent a good chunk of my teen & young adult years feeling like a dark cloud hovered over me at all times. without the Holy Spirit & the power that He brings & the life that He brings, apart from Him - I am a pit of despair.
i lost a baby. we’re coming up on the three year anniversary of losing him. my baby, Sam. the most excruciating and agonizing and guttural pain i have ever experienced.
when i was in the hospital after giving birth to our miraculous rainbow baby, i cried to Jesus because i never got to experience that moment with the baby that we lost. the relief and joy and euphoria when they lay your baby on your chest. golden hour. a lifetime of wonder. i missed that with my first baby.
BUT in His goodness, the Lord would show me my baby in glory. dancing in golden light with the one who made him. in golden hour for all of eternity. an eternity of joy and wonder to look forward to. oh what a joy and honor and privilege to catch that glimpse. what a joy to look forward to. created to love Jesus, and he literally gets to do that forever with Him.
my faith was SHAKEN when i lost my baby. i felt ashamed to admit that for a long time, even to myself. but i think it’s important to be honest. i had been walking with the Lord for years at this point, pursuing Him diligently. i was studying the word and felt like i knew Him WELL. i loved Him. I proclaimed that He was good and faithful and just and perfect in all of His ways from the mic on Sundays. but then all of a sudden, something horrible happened. and my response?
Are you there God? How could you let this happen? Are you real? Where were you? I’m so angry at you. I want to die. Take my life please, this is too much.
(Cont’d in the comments)
