12/31/2024
COMPARING MY 1974 TOP TEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS TO MY NEW WISER 2024 RESOLUTIONS.
- Just Humor By Will Lloyd Age 68 1/2 Porterville, CA 12/31/2024
1) 1974 Resolution- Add 15 pounds of muscle bulk to my abs, biceps, legs & arms. RESULTS: Failed with severe injuries from tragic Thighmaster accident during Jack LaLaine TV show.
- 2024 Resolution: Lose 15 pounds of latent pizza, pasta, potato, poultry, pork and Pringles fat, while selling my mail-order Tijuana Ozempic pills outside WeighWatchers meetings exits.
2 ) 1974 - Rediscover my DNA 1/4 indigenous Native American roots with pride.
RESULTS: Possibly 1/8th Oklahoma Cherokee, 1/16th Hopi and 1/48th Athabaskan, and the bass player from the band Redbone.
- 2024: Live with my 1/144th Indigenousness, but support by using 1/32nd of my disposable income to help my local Tule Tribe friends great rez & casino. I consider great blood brothers to our family.
3) 1974 - Floss more! RESULT: I used cheap shoelaces to floss instead but contracted ingrown teeth toejam & athletes foot breath.
- 2024: Buy a new set of dentures online from TEMU of China that also hilariously chatter on table at parties.
4) 1974 - Read the entire Bible from front to back, Genesis to Revelations! -
RESULT: Made it to Song of Solomon, got lost In Hosea, then switched lazy like to Billy Graham Campaigns on TV reruns with nachos, until Holy Spirit convicted me back to read the Word, assisted by his huge Angel with a flaming sword blocking kitchen door, like he did at the Garden of Eden.
- 2024: Finally give-in devotionally, since this same Angel blocks my DoorDash account, holds my stupid tongue with hot sword, whispers scriptures, and shout in my ear 7.77 hours per day per IPhone stats, compared to online activity of 6.66 hours avg Facebook.
5) 1974 - See the World! Be Me! RESULT: Saw movies One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, The Exorcist ,The Eagles Live, and Heart.
- 2024: See the People. Be in their world. Help those in a Cuckoo world, exit sin, step out of my empty Nest, like an Eagle with a Dove’s heart.
6) 1974 - Learn new skills until I reach status of “Jack-of-All-Trades” !RESULT: My old shop teacher & Career Counselor held an intervention detailing my over-enthusiastic rooted accidents, ER visits, near-death mistakes and historic ineptness handling small tools or welding.
- 2024 - Instead of DIY I will only hire & pay good talented guys named “Jack” In-All-Trades, like Jack my Plumber, Jackie my Dentist, Jacko my Electrician, Jacq my Attorney, Jack-In-Box-drive-thru, and only Jakkie’s Jack-O-Lantern Mobile Carving Crew.
7) 1974 - Write the great American Novel buried in my soul and get on the some Bestseller List! RESULT: Read all MAD magazines 1966-74.
- 2024: Write great novel checks to my adult kids in cursive. Re-read War & Peace aloud in bed to my Wife. Let the hilarity ensue.
8 ) 1974 - Be a Great Person! RESULT: Just Great! went through a gas price Great Depression, a great health scare, and great family losses.
- 2024: Be A Grateful Person. I’m alive in 2024. Great family, great friends, great Dog. And God is Greater.
9) 1974 - Get Rich somehow and save it for a rainy day RESULT: WOW! While hiking alone in the rain that year I FOUND famed hijacker D.B. Cooper’s sacks of $200,000 in twenty dollar bills, and wisely buried them in a super-secret place for 50 years until Police forget the case.
- 2024: I forgot where I hid the $200k. Try,try, try to remember that “clever” spot where I buried it. Maybe I can overdose on memory-enhanced Omega-3 Fish Oil ? Somewhere on top of Mt St. Helen’s?
10) 1974 SEIZE The Day! RESULT: I slept in and missed too many days that year.
- 2024: KNEES The Day, in prayer, in joy, and in thankfulnes
* I pray a glorious New Year to All my family, friends, clients, and casual readers. Will Lloyd
