04/07/2021
This dreary weather always makes me feel homesick. Growing up in Scotland, there was a certain comfort that I felt with a blanket of grey clouds above me most days. I feel that even more when I’m away from home.
It reminds me of so many simple moments I miss like sitting on the bus and gazing out the window at a wet and windy Glasgow. I miss it dearly, even just writing this has me choked up - it’s been 6 years now since I last visited, far too long for anyone to be away from their home and culture, it’s starting to wear on me a lot these days. I’m having these feelings of homesickness more and more frequently, with days of depression and anxiety that follow. It’s becoming unhealthy and I’m working hard to make sure that doesn’t spill over to my family, but it’s REALLY hard work some days.
No one can quite understand what it does to you mentally, being a foreigner abroad and surrounded by people, places and things that you welcome as a new part of your identity, but you’re constantly reminded that at the end of the day you’re still different - you sound different, you think differently, you appreciate different things, your memories of younger life seem different from your peers, of high school, of times with friends, you celebrated different holidays (and would murder a Burns Supper if you could), so much of you is different from everyone else around you.
Covid of course has made it more difficult to go home, as well as the horrific benefits most jobs in America have to offer, but now that I’ve been vaccinated I’ve realized, I HAVE to go home soon, for my health and sanity and so the people I love around me can get the best of me, because I haven’t felt like myself recently and I think I finally know why. It’s hard.
But I’m taking on more weddings and branding which is helping me to save up to visit Scotland. I’m hoping next year will be my year. Feeling vulnerable for opening up about my mental health but I know other expats who live here and thought sharing my own experiences might be some level of comfort?
Disclaimer: I love my home here in America and have fully embraced the culture around me as a local (most importantly my kids and wife were born here), I'm just really missing “home” lately. 🏴🌧