10/28/2019
“I think this (tattoo) is a perfect expression of my heritage. It is something I can say but I can’t read, a thing that other people look at me for and will go, “What is this white girl with the Chinese tattoo, and there’s no way she knows what’s that says.’’
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I was growing up everybody at some point would ask me “What are you? Why do you look like that?”. And they would be really apologetic because they don’t want to be offensive.
I would tell the “Well, my dad is an American and my mom is from Hong Kong.” The following question always is “oh, do you speak Chinese?” But the thing is I never really learned Chinese...my parents didn’t want me to go to Chinese school.
When I was like 5, I wanted to learn how to say pork bun in Chinese, because it was my favorite thing. It was like “What was that? This is amazing. I have to learn how to say it.”
My mom told me how to say 叉燒包 (pork bun). But also because my cousins were there, who were more polite (also older) than me and learned how to say “唔該”(thank you). My mom told me “唔該” is how you say ‘’thank you’’ for a service as opposed to a gift, and if you want to wave down to a waiter, you also say “唔該!”. So whenever anybody asks if I speak Chinese, I say, “Well...I can say 唔該，叉燒包 (excuse me, pork bun)’’ And that’s what my tattoo says. I can say it, not good, but I can’t actually read it. If I go to the grocery store and buy pork buns or the sauce, I can look at my arm. “Yeah! That’s what that is! It matches!”
I also can read the wins (words in Mahjong): north, south, east, west. I learned how to play Mahjong when my grandmother was living with us in San Diego. She didn’t speak any English and all day long she just played Mahjong with a bunch of other old Chinese ladies. Sometimes I could play for her, and otherwise, I just watch them.
If my grandmother was winning really a lot, she would let me take her seat for a while. So it’s ok that I lost because she was way ahead. None of the other people spoke enough English, so whenever anybody won I would just hold up the whole bunch of chips (represent winning money) and they would l take some chips in, put some chips out.
I think my Asian root is really complicated. I haven’t spoken to my mother in ten years. My parents are divorced and my mother has cut off our entire family. I used to think about why I never got along with my mom was because I wasn’t Chinese. Her idea of what a daughter should be like and mine were not comparable.
It has taken me a lot to realize it’s not just that. She also didn't talk to her sister. it’s not just a cultural thing. I don’t think that she can see any interaction we have as positive. So…we can either be both miserable or only she can be miserable. I don’t have memories that trying not to open up with my mother for fear that she will be angry. All I remember is being angry at myself for having an unguarded conversation.
Honestly, I’ve never regretted it, for once. I know I’m happier because everything got easy. it’s not like I have to worry about holidays or all the kind of time where our family gets together because my mother is not part of those anyway.
I think this (tattoo) is a perfect expression of my heritage. It is something I can say but I can’t read, a thing that other people look at me for and will go, “What is this white girl with the Chinese tattoo, and there’s no way she knows what’s that says.’’ But sometimes I feel I have to defend that I have it and I have to say, “Hey, this is also a part of me, even though you don’t think it is.”
There was a time when I went to a restaurant, everyone walked by my table and looked at it. I had a picture of it in my office in Iowa for a while. Sometimes when people came to my office and I would hear them talk about it - “something something, 叉燒包, something something”, in Cantonese or Mandarin, I don’t know. But I know they were talking about my tattoo
So I tell people the funny story because it’s a good story. And it sounds all like happy and positive. It’s actually not a happy tattoo because it’s also about not belonging and not understanding, like being at the table with my mother and a whole bunch of people who were all speaking Chinese. I have no idea what they were saying. I spent a lot of time at the table like that.
