03/17/2021
Yesterday I celebrated a personal victory, having pushed my own limits of climbing two mountains in short time, and feeling fresh enough for more. I posted about it on my personal account to be able to look back at the milestone. To revisit it with a sense of pride in where I started, how far I've gone, and how far I can go if I keep pushing. And as soon as I reached that peak, I plummeted to the valley floor.
As high as my spirits soared, my heart sank even lower with update after update of the mass murder fueled by hate towards the Asian community, specifically Asian women. I really don't give a damn that my celebration was cut short. It's a stupid selfish pursuit anyway. But what I do give a damn about is that we can't even take a moment for ourselves, to celebrate even something small, without it being tainted by some feelings of guilt and shame, because our community is being targeted and suffers while we try to raise our glasses to the tiniest of victories.
But the guilt and shame shouldn't be on me, the Asian community, or any targeted community. It's on the community where the seeds of this hatred were spread, roots sprouted, and continue to be cultivated. As much as I'd like to understand it, I don't think I ever will. I don't have the time or energy to figure that out while holding my family, friends, and community closely in protection and support as we deal with trauma, violence, and whatever else is to come. If you're not part of the community having to deal with anything of this nature, you should ask yourself if your part of the community allowing this hatred to blossom. You don't need to be the one sowing the seeds in order for the crop to flourish. The environment you ignore allows it to thrive without you. Tend to your damn garden, because it's ugly and out of control.
I'm not the only one with a lot of emotions and feelings to share about all this, so I'll be sharing others in my stories. To those that are sharing, I appreciate your openness and vulnerability.