09/29/2025
TW: Infant loss, pregnancy loss
I wanted to sit in that rocking chair holding them forever. They were wrapped in a small blanket, together. The weight of their small bodies almost imperceivable. I looked at them knowing that there wasn’t a measure of time long enough that would make me miss them less. All I had was however long that moment holding them would last. 8-years later tears come to my eyes as I remember that moment. I soaked it up as much as I could.
I read a quote this year by Jamie Anderson describing grief and it has clung to my heart.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
Today especially, the unspent love is gathered in the corners of our eyes, the lumps in our throats, and the hollow parts of our chests. In the sadness, I am grateful for that unspent love. I’m grateful for our two beautiful boys. I’m grateful for my wife who is so resilient. I’m grateful for Jesus, and the ways he tenderly cares for us. We continue forward with hope and belief.
On our own day of loss, Ali and I also think of the many people we love and care about who have similar anniversaries, similar moments of resurfaced grief, similar feelings of unspent love. As we remember Emerson and Bennett, our twin boys whom we didn’t get to meet on this side of heaven, we hold you all close.
💙 Emerson John & Bennett Elias - September 29, 2017 💙
